Lunacy

Trying to find a home - Poem -

2005-08-25T09:34:00.000-07:00

I'm tired, I'm tired, I've grown tired of you.

My mind hurts, my mind hurts, it hurts because it's always thinking of you.

So, why, so, why.. why, does it, feel like, I've known you before.

Tempting, me, your tempting me to be, someone, someone, that I, want to be.

Tired, so tired, tired, of being someone else.

My will is there, my soul is there, but, they, both, want control.

My mind hurts, my mind hurts, it hurts because, I'm out of control.

Why, why, why do you tempt me so, it brings, a smile, to my, face when I know.

Your waiting, you've been waiting, trying to find my home.

And I gave, all I, could to get you home, to my world, in my place, in my arms, to my face..

My lips have, struggled, to find themselves their home...

Their waiting, been waiting, so waiting... they long to roam..

Across yours, inside yours, deep within yours, they want to find a home.

Scott

Don't stop - Song -

2005-08-25T00:25:00.000-07:00

Quietly I am waiting

I am looking for the one thing I fear

Quietly I am waiting

There is nothing for me here

Quietly I am waiting

For the last vision of hate to disappear

BUT I CAN'T FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE

BUT I CAN'T FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE

BUT I CAN'T FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE

Divide myself for the dogs to feed on

Let my blood run free and drink of me

SCREAM - THE PAIN IS ALL MINE NOW - SCREAM -

THE PAIN IS ALL I KNOW

DON'T STOP---------

DON'T STOP---------

Save me for what? as if I asked for help

Save me for what? did it not occur to you I enjoy my hell?

LET ME BLEED ON THE GROUND - LET ME BLEED ON THE GROUND

THE SMILE IS ALL MY OWN

LET ME BLEED ON THE GROUND - LET ME BLEED ON THE GROUND

THE SMILE IS THE LAST I OWN

Would you take my last possession from me, would you take my last bit from me?

DON'T STOP--------------

DON'T STOP--------------

DON'T STOP--------------

PLEASE!

please...

please.....

Scott

Moments -Poem-

2005-08-12T10:55:00.000-07:00

There is a stillness in the air, it tastes of life frozen in time. The woods are quiet inside, they feel of moments locked forever in the last place they were left. Have the spirits come to play at night, they long for the remembrance of lifes touches and treasures. Every angry little moment is neatly put away and held hostage by feelings cascading from my heart, puddled on the ground to have rocks skipped across them. Glancing rocks which represent the attacks against my emotions, hurled at me on a day to day basis from people who are selfish unto themselves.

Scott

Doing Well Without Me - Song -

2005-08-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

I wrote this 2 months ago, which was a month after my fiance left me.. I found it in my documents as I was going through them and decided maybe it was time to seal the last brick of closure by posting it.

Doing well without me - Song -

I hope your doing fine in this world without me.

I hope you've found the smile I lost.

I'm doing good but I only see my truth through fear.

I hope your laughing without me, I hope he makes your smiles reappear.

I've been wondering what it felt like to hold you.

I'm sorry I can't imagine what I should say.

When everything went bad, I was always mad, mad at me.

Have the days grown long without me, have the nights been lonely when I'm not around.
I wanted to see a smile on you, but the last memory I have is a sullen you glaring back at me.

I hope your doing well without me.

I hope your smile is still there without me.

How did I fail you this time? and how did it bring you fear?

You were everything I had in this world, and now I have nothing, but, me.

I can't imagine my world without you, but I guess I need to try to.

I'll try to imagine what its like in your arms, I'll try to remember your smells, it's all I have now.

Have the days grown long without me, have the nights been lonely when I'm not around.
I wanted to see a smile on you, but the last memory I have is a sullen you glaring back at me.

I'm sorry you had to hurt inside, I guess it was just time....

I'll be ok in this world, if only because my last possesion is me.

Scott

Dark Angel - Poem -

2005-08-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

Sweet angel of the night,
You have been through hundreds of years.

You have seen many come and go,
you have kissed so many you don't know.

Life has been taken so you may live,
You live in the vicious cycle of life.

You will always want because you are alone,
You are alone because you have been kissed with a curse.

There is nothing you can do but move on,
spend your nights in the arm of another life.

When morning comes give him the final kiss,
then walk away never to be kissed from him again.

This cycle is your mimicry of life,
This life is your mockery to death.

Scott

Waking up to me - Poem -

2005-08-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

I woke up to realize,
I realized life is not worth running from.

There is nothing real,
there is a better part to me.

I can make my own reality,
I can design my future for all to see.

I find myself held and silenced by society,
they grab and pull and tear at me.

My muzzle is of little consequence,
my pens blade will destroy with impudence.

My fears are always fenced up within me,
Kept locked up so as to be exibits for me.

Scott

Hunter of the night - Poem -

2005-08-09T09:15:00.000-07:00

I have walked too long into the night.

It smells so beautiful out here,
the air is crisp and rife with life.

I am hunted because I exist.

I must hunt to exist,
no mortal can understand.

With the gift from my dark god I am possible.

My gift is two fold,
both beneficial and a curse.

I will live forever and I will hunt to stay alive.

I will stay alive,
even though I am now dead.

I will die only when kissed by the God of life.

The God of life is my hunter,
his arrows tear through me and leave me wanting.

I will want and haunt forever - its all I now have.

Scott

Dark Ramblings

2005-08-07T22:54:00.000-07:00

The dead walk the earth in unison to the beat of the universe. There is no more hope for the wicked, the living are nothing more than products in the supermarket. We have become complacent within our minds and allowed the dark side to grab hold of us and choke us for all we have. Is this so bad? no, not really... maybe it's time the darkside had a fair fight, maybe it's time for the legions of the damned to awaken and step into the light, fear not the touch of God, he only teases you, he can never mark you, the beast has taken care to do that for you already.. isn't that nice?

Scott

Update on Scott

2005-08-02T01:02:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been quite some time since I've made a post that included anything other than Poems or Songs I've written.. and to be honest.. I appreciate everyone putting up with me.. I know some of what I write leaves alot to be desired.. I also know some of it is very profound with hidden meanings that people are discovering every day.

I thought I would take this time to write a bit about whats going on in my life..

Nearly 3 months ago my fiance at the time left me for my best friend... this was a shocker to say the least and seriously affected me.. so much so that I nearly didn't survive it.. but, I held fast because I have great friends and a wonderful family that as always, were there for me when I needed them the most.. I love everyone of you dearly for that.

I started a new job with Apple Computer as a Mac Genious at the same time.. so talk about a mountain of stress on your shoulder.. New job, loss of fiance and best friend as well as having to go to cupertino to get certified in a 2 week course to be a Mac Tech ( Mac Genious is the real title.. I cringe everytime I say it.. ) This all happened within 1 week.. did I mention they also found a brain tumor in my father at the same time? ohh.. I forgot to say that huh? well.. they did.. so talk about your world being thrown to hell in a handbasket.. that was it.

So, I did everything I needed to. I passed my certs for Apple, I moved in with my brother ( still sleeping on a couch atm.. ) I gathered a few of my belongings from my former home ( all my stuff is still there, but thats another story later.. ) My father had most of the tumor removed in a very successful operation ( He's undergoing radiation and chemo for the rest. ) and I'm currently doing great at my new job..

I've gone through alot in my life.. I've been homeless 3 times with my family for various reasons.. I died twice.. I helped do CPR on my younger brother Jason who was hit by a car when he was 5, he died and we brought him back to life, my older brother Kevin and I.. We were commended by the Fire Dept. for our actions in saving his life.. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm saying that like anyone else, no one knows the story of a person until you look through their eyes and sometimes, just sometimes, their story isn't the one you really want to see..

But, things are always moving forward, things are constantly in motion and I will always come out on top, one way or another.. because I'm not a quitter.. if I was I would not be where I am today... I'm buying my first home.. I'm doing personal things for myself I never thought possible.. and I'm working towards a better career for myself in the entertainment industry.. ( one way or another.. ) I have re-established friendships I thought were permanently lost from many years ago and that is something that I have to say makes me the happiest right now..

Things will always get better for me.. this I know.. it's just sometimes life likes to roshambo you when your not even ready.. just suck it up and let the pain subside because... nothing hurts forever.. you just have to remember that..

By the way.. predefined destiny still exists and I know my destiny has great things and even greater people instore for me in this life.. I have no doubts about that.. after all, with my new job at Apple, I have already made incredible new friendships I will treasure forever..Thanks guys..

Scott

Find my way to me - Song -

2005-08-01T00:37:00.000-07:00

I hope you can see past me
I'm sure there are better men than me
I think you stand a better chance without me
It's just what has to be

I can't find my way to me
But I can see a new road away
If I pull over I can make an attempt to be
Something different than what you see

I can write a thousand pages
But when I'm done what will the use be
I can write so many reams
But when I'm out who will see me

I can't find my way to me
But I can see a new road away
If I pull over I can make an attempt to be
Something different than what you see

This dark room has befriended me
This is the chamber that calls to me
There is no other place I'd rather be
My quill is inked digitally

I can't find my way to me
But I can see a new road away
If I pull over I can make an attempt to be
Something different than what you see

If one person could just send me a message
If I could garner one comment intended for me
I think I could maybe start to understand
What it is to be me

I can't find my way to me
But I can see a new road away
If I pull over I can make an attempt to be
Something different than what you see

Is it so complex
Its a part of my complex
That keeps me away

I can't find my way to me
But I can see a new road away
If I pull over I can make an attempt to be
Something different than what you see

Is Change is the only answer
Do I have to be different
Is this what it all means
What is it about me

I can't find my way to me
But I can see a new road away
If I pull over I can make an attempt to be
Something different than what you see

Sometimes I wish my manual was open to see
Where is my trouble shooting guide
What happens when no one is left to understand me
Will I like broken on the side
Will there be no one left to tow me

I can't find my way to me
But I can see a new road away
If I pull over I can make an attempt to be
Something different than what you see

Scott

Me and everything now - Poem -

2005-07-31T03:50:00.000-07:00

My darkest hours have turned to candy, they taste sweet and without guilt. I have gone above and beyond my expectations and found true love in the daggers of my friends. They will not use their tools against me for they fear the repercussions of my kind words. I am haunted by too many choices and so much love for everyone around me. I am in need of a clone who can help me to experience life two fold before I am dead, when I am dead I will still have lived a greater life than I could have ever before.

Scott

Her words - Poem -

2005-07-28T22:45:00.000-07:00

You were kind and gentle,
you spent your time helping
everyone around you.

You spent so much time with
everyone else, when did you have
time for me?

You wanted to build a better
life for us, you focused on that
and let everything else fall to
the side, when was that life going
to include me?

You wanted to help your family in
any way you could, you felt sorry for
them and it showed in the kindness you
offered, when were you planning on
offering that kindness to me?

You would have given the world to anyone
who asked for it, but when were you going
to give me just a little bit of you?

These are the words I'm afraid she would say if
she wrote a poem about me.. and these are the crimes
I spoke of in the last poem I wrote.. and this is
why I will forever be changed in who I am
and what I do.. I'm afraid I'll make the same mistakes
again and lose someone else I love in the future by being me..

Scott

The Curse of You - Poem -

2005-07-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here typing, so much in
my mind, but not so much I can't
stop thinking of you.

I can look outside and see a little
piece of you in everything around me.

I can look in the sky and see the image
of your angel looking down on me.

Do you ever feel me when I'm near you,
can you help me because I'm looking
for some answers.

Do you think about me sometimes in
the back of your head, I know I
think of you.

All I have are questions, all
I have are the riddles of my crimes,
and all I have left are fleeting
memories of you.

It feels like a daytime drama,
my world has been turned for sure,
are these the days of our lives?
that I'm not so sure.

If I painted a picture of you,
would it look precise and beautiful?
or would it appear as if the paint
was splashed across the canvas, because
thats how I feel sometimes about you.

There stands a statue in the park,
there stands a tree in the wild and
there stands a mountain on this world
that all remind me of you..

Why is it nothing can life this curse
from my soul, why does it refuse to
find a new home.

Scott

I know you really feel it - Song -

2005-07-25T09:51:00.000-07:00

Well I'll wait while you listen,

I'll intently listen to your every word,

I'll keep you in mind while your wasting my time,

I know you know how I feel,

I know you really feel it,

I know you see me with my heart on the table,

I know your debating on taking another slice at me,

I know you really feel it,

I know you really feel it,

Drop everything and take a look at me,

Drop everything and take a look at me,

The longest nights I have are without you,

The harshest days are because I'm no longer near you,

It has to get better soon,

It needs to be better soon,

I have to feel better -

I know you really feel it,

I know you really feel it,

Drop everything and take a look at me,

Drop everything and take a look at me,

When all that we were,

When you and I looked at each other,

When I looked at you,

You looked at me,

There was a special place that existed,

There was my home,

There was you there for me,

I know you really feel it,

I know you really feel it,

Drop everything and take a look at me,

Drop everything and take a look at me,

SO STOP,

TAKE A HARD LOOK AT ME,

DECIDE IS THIS WHERE YOU NEED TO BE,

DECIDE HOW LONG I CAN GO ON,

CAN YOU MAKE A DECISION FOR ME,

CAN YOU DECIDE HOW LONG I SHOULD CARE,

FOR YOU AND ME,

I know you really feel it,

I know you really feel it,

Drop everything and take a look at me,

Drop everything and take a look at me,

I know you really feel it,

I know you really feel it,

Drop everything and take a look at me,

Drop everything and take a look at me,

Scott

The Story - Poem -

2005-07-25T02:44:00.000-07:00

She calls out to him but no one is there, she needs him right now but he just doesn't care, he listens and laughs and casts her aside, he feels her with joy then runs off to hide, he turns and twists, his vision is hidden in the darkness, will she follow or fail to bring him on back, will he laugh and ignore her while she runs back, his dance is uncaring his actions a joke, she fights to get attention but she doesn't know how, he looks in her eye and walks idly on by, she takes the moment to make contact with his eyes, he stares with a smirk and keeps moving on by.

Will she ever really know him, will he ever really show, can she ever understand him, will he ever really know, does their story end this way , has he finished writing his part, does she want it to begin, has he already written it off from the start.

He feels cast aside and thrown to the wind, she feels scared at the thoughts of marrying him, he looks back at moments and sees all the good she has done, she stands back and imagines what good could he have done.

So the story still continues, the chapters growing by verse, their memories are not dead, his thoughts are not being placed in a hearse.

If they can love, if the love is still there, more chapters will be written if they should still care.

Scott

Taking the chance - Song -

2005-07-25T00:21:00.000-07:00

Divided, torn apart, this is not the beginning, not where it starts

You ended the call, your made the mistake, when its over, its too late

You found in yourself a new way, you looked pass the good and let the game play

with a roll of the dice and flip of the coin, your on the losing side and you have no more choice

Run it, take the bet now, your tickets been punched and your out the window

Nothing left to lose, nowhere left to hide, one last chance, don't let it die

Somewhere, something is left, seconds of life, whats your last bet

Can you take - what has been served, do you think, its - what you deserve.

Scott

A poem for a beautiful woman who doesn't know...

2005-07-24T23:40:00.000-07:00

A poem for a beautiful woman who doesn't know...
Current mood: thoughtful

Shhh...

I can hear the life in each breath of yours, speak not a word. Allow me to taste of your beauty, afford me this moment to admire a work far greater in design and complexity than even Davinci himself could imagine.

Stand there and allow your precious life giving blood the moments required to continue your existence. As each breath is taken, I become entranced with the gentle rise and fall of your bosom, so soft and subtle the flesh that rises and falls feeding you with life.

I am lucky to have been awarded these divine moments in your presence.

The lottery of life has looked down upon me and cast the lucky stone into my direction.

I have found the four leaf clover and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

You are magic and wonderment, fantasy and fairytale, lore and fable, delicately contained in the finest vessel created by man.

Scott

Last night....

2005-07-24T08:17:00.000-07:00

Last night will go down in the history of the prude named Scott as one of the nights I would love to forget... my head hurts so goddam much and I think, I think I should of stayed home.. enough said..

Scott

Don't give in - Song -

2005-07-21T23:25:00.000-07:00

Hatred, its not worth the time,
slowly it rots you, from deep inside

Anger, it kills the thought,
makes you do things, you know is wrong

Greed, it bleeds your soul,
forces you to steal, things you don't own

Lust, clouds the mind, keeps you
from moving on with your life

These are the four horsemen of life,
they tear and twist, bring nothing but strife.

These are, the dark parts of our souls,
grabbing onto us and never letting go.

Don't be, fooled into their trap,
you can be better, better than that

Fear, don't let it grab you, once
it takes hold, nothing you can do

So stand your ground!

So stand your ground!

So stand your ground!

Sympathy, its not vice, but a virtue,
it helps us to feel and reach out to help you

Compassion, bred from pure love,
takes our hearts and helps us to love

Empathy, its the tool that we use,
it helps to understand you

To forgive, its what we must choose,
it hurts so much, but its what we must do

This is the counter to you, this
is what makes us better when we do

So stand your ground!

So stand your ground!

So stand your ground!

When it feels like all is lost,
remember the lesson you were just taught,
it serves no purpose for us to release the
demons we want to, stay don't lose your ground,
fight to the end, don't let them win, if you
give in.. then we all lose....

Scott

Time is against me..

2005-07-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

Ticking through the night my heart beats like a grandfather clock,
each moment is another I will never reclaim, each moment is another to celebrate.

Long is the life I hope to lead, short is the time I am given to impact
my world around me. Long after I am gone, will I be remembered? Long after I am gone, will simple gifts of favors be reforged by memory from the hearth of the minds walled abyss...

I can only hope to help and mind the emotions of those around me.

I can only wish to give more unto than received from.

Will inherant selfishness cloud the judgement of myself and destroy the traces of good deeds?

Will impetuosness unravel the tapestry of my good intentions and sting the mind of those who I only wish to share a bit of myself with? or will the poison of my past leech into the afterthoughts of my friends and leave the trace of an incomplete me lingering around to stare back, taunting with the reminders of who I once was and who I can never be.

As the mountains stand to witness, they will stare down at me and my last spot forever long after I am gone.

Scott

Personality tests are scary..

2005-07-19T14:29:00.000-07:00

This is the result of a personality test I took earlier
today..

why do these scare me? is it because with an
analytical eye, I can see myself in these words..
or is it that I want to believe what I read is true?

About Your Personality Type

ENFP General
Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiver
(ENFP) personality commonly referred
to as "The Social Philosopher".

You believe life is abundant, love is plentiful,
and creativity is always within your grasp.
If God combined the bouncing energy of a cocker
spaniel with the enthusiasm of a couple on their
honeymoon, God would still be only halfway to
duplicating your insatiable zest for life.

ENFP when in love

“Puppy love” is a good term for describing
your take on romance: fun, frisky, playful,
cuddly, and young at heart. No matter what
your age or how many times your heart has
been broken, you are an eternal optimist
when it comes to love. You are not someone
who proceeds cautiously when you meet someone
you find attractive. You are likely to fall
passionately in love-or at least lust- quickly,
spontaneously, and with total abandon. Holding
something back for later is a concept you can’t
quite grasp, especially when it comes to the
joy of creating a new and exciting relationship.
Yes, COMMITMENT can scare you. That one word may
explain why you are still single at thirty, forty,
fifty, or beyond. But you love, absolutely love,
the concept of intimacy, sharing, and relationships.
If only you could find that special one, you would
be set for life.

ENFP where to meet

Where can you meet a Social Philosopher? Social
Philosophers enjoy stimulating conversation and
interesting people, and, like the Idealistic
Philosopher and Mystic Writer, favor activities
that revolve around psychology, philosophy, the arts,
and helping others. Unlike Idealistic Philosophers and
Mystic Writers, Social Philosophers seize every
opportunity for social contact. They love the spotlight
and are known to be excellent teachers and public speakers.
Social Philosophers also routinely attend art gallery
openings, wine tastings, fund-raisers, concerts, lectures,
and plays. They may also be members of The Single
Gourmet-a dining club for singles with sophisticated tastes.

The chills run deep when I see myself on paper..

Scott

Potential For Greatness

2005-07-19T00:16:00.000-07:00

Inside all of us there exists the potential for greatness,
the truth is to find the essence of ourselves and discover
who we are. We are not what we portray, we are more
than the face value of us. Inside the body and mind
exists the real individual who fights to be seen, but,
who cannot be seen unless looked at through the heart.

Scott

Knowing....

2005-07-18T21:29:00.000-07:00

Softly the touch is made, silent the kiss is left without notice.

His hand, feather like and gentle, hardly noticeable if not for the faint pressure left in its wake.

She's been touched, the remembering is taking place, all the time spent together and forever.

His emotions are bleeding out, his heart mortal and flailing, wanting, rapturing.

She knows, she always knew, she will always know.

He will always know.

Scott

Fall from the grace of God - Song -

2005-07-18T08:26:00.000-07:00

If I fall from the grace of God, who will be there to catch me?

If I fall from the grace of God, who will be there to care?

If I fall from the grace of God, will anyone have known me?

If I fall from the grace of God, will the world know I was there?

I have grown up to be, as good a man as can be.

I have grown up to know, right from wrong.

I have grown up to see, the world mistreat me.

I have grown up to let it, run all over me.

If I fall from the grace of God, who will be there to catch me?

If I fall from the grace of God, who will be there to care?

If I fall from the grace of God, will anyone have known me?

If I fall from the grace of God, will the world know I was there?

Drunken nights of revalry and long days of pain, this is the life that leads us to shame.

Singing and dancing, malicious types of glancing, moving and running, this is who we are, we grab life by the horns and pull it to the ground, - but in the end, whose really won here?

If I fall from the grace of God, who will be there to catch me?

If I fall from the grace of God, who will be there to care?

If I fall from the grace of God, will anyone have known me?

If I fall from the grace of God, will the world know I was there?

Grab all yer lollies and bring the house down! If were to be damned, were taking it all down! We'll hoot and we'll holler, we'll become the bother, drink all the whiskey and hammer that beer down.

If I fall from the grace of God, who will be there to catch me?

If I fall from the grace of God, who will be there to care?

If I fall from the grace of God, will anyone have known me?

If I fall from the grace of God, will the world know I was there?

Sung in the grand style of the Pogues

Scott

Growing up

2005-07-18T00:18:00.000-07:00

Why does it hurt to grow up, when does it ever stop, I wanna be like peter pan and run to my never land, when does the hurt start skipping, and when can I find my lost boys?

You can find a better place if you start with a mirror and your face, we are the kids who were afraid of being young and now were paying the price of being adults.

Never had an idea, never really understood what I wishing for and now that I stare it down I realize I was the one on the wrong side of the frown, that I'm the person who is hopelessly hopefull and always going to live like I'll never grow up, that the smile I carry is my protection from having to be a part of the adult side of the table.

I'm running away from what makes me a grown up and it took its parting shots along my best friends, they were the ones who had to suffer when the choice was made contrary to the end.

I can imagine, imagine what it takes to carry the belt of my father, I never understood when I was so young what it really took, and how it took it from him.

Scott

Title Unknown

2005-07-17T15:48:00.000-07:00

When words are exhanged and simple measures
considered, all that remains are the memories
we've earned.

She spoke with sincerity, a voice like a stream,
while she was talking, I was lulled to a dream.

Such heart felt comedy, aspirations and beliefs,
pure love of the art - your heart contains.

The ease of approach, your trust I have gained,
I would sacrifice these moments, not without pain.

Scott

Fleeting moment

2005-07-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

The laughter, the love, the joy of the dance, these are the moments that will be ingrained in my head.

The singing, the moment, the smile that you have, these are the pictures, painted with great care.

With the times that we've spent, the fleeting instances we've known, when everything is over, we'll both head on home.

I'll have traded nothing, nothing at all, I've taken a chance, and I've learned to fall, your words were so gentle, you chose them to be soft, for that I am gratefull, it shows that you care.

Scott

A simple dedication to men and women who defend us.

2005-07-13T04:00:00.000-07:00

There were 5 brave men who faced the tortures of life,

There were 5 brothers, uncles, husbands, fathers and friends,

There were 5 brave men who will not come home again,

There were 5 soldiers who devoted their lives to defend,

There were 5 brave men who will not have the chance to ask,

There were 5 individuals who should have had a better chance,

There were 5 brave men who will never see their families again,

There were 5 people who now rest in the land.

This is a simple dedication to the men and women whose lives are toyed with by a government who needs to understand, we are not numbers, statistics, or moderate write offs. We will have a voice and we will be heard.

I humbly bow before all men and women of the armed forces, your job is crucial and thankless, your risks are great and you should be heard, even when the government has ignored your pleas.

Scott

A breath without a home...

2005-07-12T11:48:00.000-07:00

The feeling pervades the scent of nothing like the last breath from the death of a child, it leaves me in surreal awareness of a better calling forcing my hand at the table with the last push of my chips.

Who am I to decide the cause and effect of life when its not my touch that directs the moments of other peoples actions, but for not without want, sometimes I am that wave that erodes the will of another to become the rip tide destroying the emotions of the one who would be mine, maybe in another life.

Scott

My eyes hide nothing

2005-07-12T00:42:00.000-07:00

She looks into my eyes, expecting to see a happiness that no longer exists.

Why does she stare so intently upon my hardened gaze?

Were you expecting me to forgive your sadness with a smile?

Did you lose sight of who I once was to you?

I don't know when I'll pay my bill for the tears you made me shed, would you accept the last traces of my happiness instead?

I could bleed for you, but I won't.

Scott

Lost dreams -Song-

2005-07-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

They were happy once
They had a lovely dream
The held each other close
They knew where they would be

She broke his heart in two
She made his soul bleed
She let him cry himself, every night to sleep.

He loved her so damn much
He wanted her to have everything
He sobbed while it left, it was his greatest dream.

Now they just don't talk
Now all they have are memories
Now thats all thats left, of both their hopes and dreams.

So the sad tale is told
So look deep inside to see
So what really happened here

Was it what it seemed?
Was there something else
Was it somebody else, that started everything?

Did he have half a chance
Did she tell him everything
Did she bother to help, his pain at ease.

No one will ever know
No one can ever see
No one knows how he felt, he would do anything.

This is the saddest tale
This is the worst you'll see
This is why it hurts, for - me - to - let - you - see.

Scott

Sinful Pride

2005-07-12T00:27:00.000-07:00

Sinful pride trickling like an obstructed mountain stream. Give in, don't let your insecurity leach into the world around you. It stains like the bitter taste of rage, and flows as if the sun opened up, letting every last bit of hate the world has ever known into your mind.

The darkness has become too much to bare, it eats away into your essence as if you were the main course for a termite feast. You can beg, but, no one cares, you are forgotten by a world who cannot cure its own woes without sacrificing its children in a fight against each other for ideals no one really even understands.

So this is our future? We are cursed to have the losing hand.

Scott

The Wall

2005-07-09T11:25:00.000-07:00

The writings on the wall, scribbled in the angst of humanity.

Tells many stories of the people who've come and gone, they've all left their trace.

You can still see the prints, all that remains of the romantics.

If I place my hand against the wall will it help me to understand it all?

I can lie next to this space, will I dream of the dreamers who visited this place?

Can it serve my moment in time to understand the sacrifices made for the art?

Listen, its soft, but its there... those are the thoughts from all those who've been here.

I would sacrifice my sanity for a bit of humanity and a touch of the lives that have been touched by my wall.

Scott

Taste

2005-07-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

Can it be tasted, this love that you seek?
Can it be held and kept close to me?

Like a brick can you hold it high in the hand?
or is it like water that disappears in the sand?

What does it cost? some words?, or a touch?
Or is it bought like gems in the rough?

Could it be traded?, bartered?, exchanged?,
Or must it be earned, through blood, tears, and pain...

Scott

Empty halls

2005-07-09T07:37:00.000-07:00

How the hearth glows when no one is home,
Memories dancing from room to room.

You can feel a presence - no longer there,
there is no more laughter - it's dead in the air.

Those chambers are silent - like a morgue that is full,
No one enters those graveyards people called rooms.

Maybe someday it will come back to life,
Possibly when the wrongs are set back to rights.

But untill that time has nearly drawn here,
There is no more love living in there.

Scott

The lair of the darkone

2005-07-09T07:29:00.000-07:00

And into the darkest most fould pit of earth,
Past all the demons,devils, and mirth.

The stench of sulphure, ripe in the air.
A cacaphony of pain, pervades everywhere.

His sentence he serves, cast from above.
His realm now sundered - deep under us.

No angel would dare to taste of this land,
Mere moments within, could they not stand.

His pain is his love, his hurt is his joy.
His tortures are music - his symphony deployed.

His army stands, waiting to be freed.
He knows his limits - he can't let them be.

Whisper not his darkest of names,
For if we learn it, he'll have won the - game....

Scott

Actions

2005-07-09T07:22:00.000-07:00

Oh, silently your spirit faded,
Hours, days, your soul now jaded.

Seems like nothing can harness the love of my heart,
Your actions so narrow has torn it apart.

Seek not my kindest, most tenderful words,
Your second face has risen and shown its worth.

Those moments we traded, fleeting and gone,
Your actions - your sated, you find nothing wrong.

I have begun - to forgive your stabs,
Have you begun to honor your hand?

Questions, your worries, have no place with me,
Your lies, half truths, deceptions are seen.

See not my soul - its not yours to own,
I've finally found my feelings a home.

Scott

Sometimes you hate it when you friends are right..

2005-07-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well, your right Noodle.. I do want to post some more poems.. so, here we go.. I think I have a couple I wrote yesterday that just need to be put up..

You bastard.. lol..

Scott

This Saturday..

2005-07-07T07:29:00.000-07:00

This Saturday is my birthday, I will turn 34... I don't feel any older, however I do feel wiser. I feel like I have been taken through the realities of life this year and come out better for it. I also feel I have been forced to grow up just a little bit more, and slightly faster then I would have liked, but, owell, such is life.

I will take time off for the next few days for myself, I have no intentions of making any new posts of poems, or stories, they sometimes take their toll on me emotionally when I make them and they are all made within moments of me posting them. I have definably become a much better man for myself and people around me since I started this blog, and I am greatful for the opportunities that exist with it that do.

I have no certain plans for my birthday this year which is unusual, every year for the last 6 at least I knew what I was doing and who I would be doing it with, I guess the world changes with or without you though, but, thats fine. This year I will play the role of the roving gypsie, taking solace in myself with my good friends.

Thanks everyone for coming and reading the diatribe of a lunatic whose love of life is you, the people who take time to read what I have to say and respond. You help save my sanity and it makes me happy.

Come sunday, or monday, I will be back in with full force, the poems come to me consistently throughout the day, and I'll be damned if I don't have to scribble them down the moment they happen, or they get lost within the ether of my mind.

I'll still be poking around and reading everyone elses blogs and giving the sweet kiss of my comments as they are due.. so, don't think I've gone into hiding.. I just want to celebrate life these next few days for myself... something I haven't really done for quite some time.

With much admiration for all my friends, thank you for reading my work and being there..

Scott

The Oceans Magic...

2005-07-06T13:38:00.000-07:00

The oceans so blue and serene tonight...

The calmness of the waters remind me of the good times..

So quiet here on the beach, so peacefull while I sleep.

Holding you in my arms, this is more than enough to make me happy.

It doesn't even need to go any further, unless you want me.

I can stare into your eyes and see all the kindness you can offer.

Your welcome to poke inside my soul and free the emotions from its coffer.

But, untill then, I'm the delighted one, just to be your friend.

Scott

3 weeks and 100 posts later

2005-07-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

After 3 weeks, 100 posts and over 900 views later.. I am pretty proud of myself. I've managed to come to terms with the failure of my relationship, I've discovered I have a good writing ability and I now know where I want to be with myself.

Jaime, thanks brother.. you opened the door and unleashed the flood of my mind.. for that you have earned an enduring respect from me.

Scott

Me

2005-07-06T10:14:00.000-07:00

Just in this place, baby. This is where I fester with disease. Down on the street below, I call this pedestal my home. It has an attitude for everything and everyone, it even fights and calls to me. It raises its arms when I need it, and closes its doors when its done with me. Too early in the morning and I can't feel much worse than this. So many rooms and so many lives are shattered by all of this, I have messages under my skin, they are my skeletons in my house. There is a dead man inside me fighting to get out. My pedestal still tries to keep me safe, I want to get me a little sanity just to save myself. How long can I keep trying to keep myself away from me, I'm not sure how to keep myself away from me.

Scott

On the road to failure...

2005-07-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

When I can walk on water, I will be the one who can help.

Somewhere in the middle of our land stands a mesiah, his knowledge is endless, his empathy knows no bounds, his kindness is unheard of.

His fight is for humanity, his plight is to save whats left of our souls, he will be the one who leads us past the pain we have all known.

Will he show himself? will he intercede against our pains? is this all just a run amok imagination, wishing for a change?

When its time he will come forward, his words will melt like butter and make it all better.

Until then we are the ones to save ourselves, with kindness and caring we can all help.

We can dent the darkness of what we see, we can begin to make this change, one by one, day by day...

If we allow the kindness we have to fade, we will fade into the past history of other failed cities.

Scott

Angels are watching...

2005-07-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

Were being watched by angels, they stand and stare, they watch for signs of unhappiness and despair.

In the morning when my eyes are barely up, I can see them in the distance, relentless, refusing to give up.

I can sometimes see them in the day, they watch me, looking for signs that I might stray.

At night when all the happiness is gone, when I am feeling most alone, they intercede and fill me with this writing ability.

This is the place I belong, of that I am sure, but it surely takes its toll, when will the darkness fall...

Scott

Nothing left to save

2005-07-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

When the water has not been blue for long,
Don't you want to feel a little sad?

When is this place going to be better than outer space,
I can't see were breaking up.

Did you get what you wanted,
I'm swimming in a sea of pain, tired of the human game.

Look across the bow, were coming up onto a new place,
Look at the beauty of the unsoiled land.

Cheating on my best friend,
I want to fix it but I can't repair what I cannot understand.

Can we ever makeup from a distant breakup,
You and me, were swimming for each other against a tsunami.

Does it even matter, does anyone even care, I'm still standing,

You and me were fighting when theres nothing left to spare.

Scott

Not a Poem

2005-07-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

When is there enough homeless in this world?
When will humanity stop and decide that we are more important than the individual? Does it take a genious to see we are killing ourselves emotionally and spiritually when we allow a woman and child to be homeless and living on the streets? Do we really have to say its not our problem.. Do we really have to let this child go another night sleeping on grass or a bench somewhere?

I hate humanity when it turns its back on the world and decides we as individuals are more important than the whole.. Does it take a country ravaged by a tsunami before we decide no one should be homeless 3000 miles away when we stare at the same thing here? where have we failed ourselves when we cast aside the weak and hopeless. I feel sick thinking about the ugly side of us..

I wish I could bring the world into order and make them understand, without each other we have nothing..

Scott

Stars

2005-07-06T09:36:00.000-07:00

The stars are a part of me

They listen to my stories

They never question or judge me

Its all just a part of the reality

They will be there long after me

Made up of hopes, made up of dreams.

Scott

Oh brother,,

2005-07-06T09:32:00.000-07:00

Oh brother is this the end that we see?

So you feel like a person who can't be found in one piece?

Well I feel like they've taken the last of my humanity.

Oh brother is this the last image I'll see?

Do you know in my future where I might be?

Can you cover the ocean with a piece of my soul?

Silently - I'll cross everything just to be.

Insane as I just want to talk.

Does it feel like it was before?

Nothing can even begin to make sense anymore.

Everything around me is now just a blur.

Time, just time, is all that I need.

Scott

Road so far....

2005-07-06T01:15:00.000-07:00

I have traveled a road so far, it has lead me to a map, deep within myself.

I have found the map to happiness, it leads me in a direction of uncertainty.

I enjoy the uncertainty, it leaves the hope open but allows for change.

The change is the direction I seek, in this direction lies hope for me.

Scott

Dead as dead can be....

2005-07-06T00:59:00.000-07:00

There it is dead as dead can be,
I just can't believe it.

Mine is the only one preserved,
So there it stands.

There it is dead as dead can be,
don't look into its eyes.

I'm standing with my back to it,
maybe your better off this way.

There it is dead as dead can be,
the image haunts they who can be seen.

Run away, run away, your just a dissapointment,
don't let it be.

Scott

Treasures

2005-07-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

The wind is blowing, it tries to carry my thoughts beyond my dreams.

My dreams are drifting, they attempt to attain heights beyond me.

Beyond me lies another place, that place is magical and full of treasure.

The treasure lies in the open, it is open and welcoming me.

I am welcome to take all I see, I can see what I need to take.

I will take that which is just enough, it is enough to take just what I need.

Scott

Empathy to the homeless.....

2005-07-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

I look into the eyes of a homeless woman with child and I see,

I see the dreams that are lost, the feelings of hopelessness,

I am hopefull for her and her child, I carry the pain of empathy,

Empathetic to their needs, I would give all I can to save them,

To save them would require something or someone, greater than even me.

Scott

Fear

2005-07-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

Aggressive and frightful, in the shadows it is seen.

The darkness of its laughter, mimicking, mocking, me..

I cry out loud "GO TO HELL", it smirks and bares its teeth.

It growls down low and says, "I am just what you see"..

I finally have noticed, my eyes opened free.

What I am afraid of, I'm afraid of - me.

Scott

Magical Morning

2005-07-05T10:57:00.000-07:00

As the flowers bloom they remind me of my love for you..

As the morning came it lit the side of your face.

The night was long for both of us.

The motions carried our combined touch.

We held onto the deepest part within us..

There was no denying what we had touched.

I shed the tear of wonderment.

You bled the emotion of what it meant.

We laid untill the morning came.

Within each others arms we comforted pains.

There can only ever be one magic moment like that,
between two who have just met.

Scott

Sleeping angel

2005-07-05T01:01:00.000-07:00

I'm reposting this one because it's one of my personal favorites.

Scott

Well into the night I watched you sleep.

You lay like an angel waiting for the morning to spread your wings.

I contemplated holding you forever so as to capture your innocence.

I toyed with thoughts of placing mini kisses upon your lips.

Instead I slowly ran my fingers through your hair.

You smiled in reponse to my gentle touches.

I conceded my presence to the mornings rays.

I still think about those moments there.

I smile when I remember all we shared.

Scott

Memory of the Warrior

2005-07-04T19:12:00.000-07:00

He who walks this path,
Must learn that you will fight.

Your spirit if you fall,
Will live long inside our minds.

Your torch shall burn forever,
The memory fading not.

Your honor you have upheld,
You've given all you've got.

Remembering our heroes

2005-07-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

The cannons roared, like lions in the night,

The rounds found targets and set them alight.

So many gave for what they believe,

So many would die for you and for me.

We've come so far to treasure this day,

So many lost beneath the waves.

Will we take moments to remember the few,

Those who are lost who we wish we once knew..

Shall we find solace in drink and our food,

And fail to consider what our forefathers went through.

Our struggle lives on, within each one of us.

We fight for independence from the borders of darkness.

Scott

My last post for today I believe..

2005-07-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

Working on 4th of July sucks the nut of life.. I'd rather be with friends having a better time. The beers are cold, the food is good.. yet, none of it for me.. If I manage to get out in time.. The fireworks I can see..

Bleh.. I feel like Dr. Seuss..

Scott

Wounds

2005-07-04T09:03:00.000-07:00

The story's been told so many times.
Everyone around us knows.

We were denied a fair chance.
To see our future unfold.

Many obstacles fell into place.
Too often they were there.

As many times as we tried.
The pain was much to bare.

So stand aside and turn away.
It seems its what we did.

We could of tried another way.
Instead we were selfish.

We can heal with each passing day.
I'd rather - keep - these - wounds.

They are my memento's, of why I once loved you.

Scott

Cruel and unintentional

2005-07-04T08:57:00.000-07:00

The cruelest of intentions were not yours to make.

The simplest of the angers festered in your ways.

The coldest piece about you, lay in the dead of your heart.

The darkest path within you, lied dormant from the start.

Yet still your light is in you.

And still your love is true.

And on that day we're over, I - can - still - hold - you.

Scott

It smarts so bad..

2005-07-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

Every morning I wake, yet not for the toll of a bell.

Everynight I fall asleep, only from the weight of my hell.

And every day I spend, far away from you.

I know our lives are better, but I can't believe its true.

I sit in isolation, I awake with startling starts.

My demons, they are teasing, their points sting and scar.

Will I ever be over, why does this love still smart.

Scott

Treasure in my words

2005-07-04T08:47:00.000-07:00

The treasure is within your words.

This, I once was told.

The key lies inside your heart.

It was scribbled on a note.

I struggle with the combination.

The lock although is keyed.

I know I'm using the wrong tools.

This chest is much to much for me.

Scott

Fighting with myself

2005-07-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

Once I saw myself being followed by the shadow of my insanity.

I stopped to stare but couldn't catch a glance.

It mimicked my motions and copied, my, stance.

It twisted all my movements, it teased my silouette.

It tried in earnest to have me fight with something I could not get.

I kicked and pounded, I rambled and screamed.

I thrust with all my dirty words, The world could hear me scream.

I wrestled with the darkness, the hatefull part of me.

Scott

No chance at all.

2005-07-04T03:22:00.000-07:00

The wind is rustling in the trees.

The Trees are crying to be free.

The freedom is fleeting, momentary.

The lumberjacks are coming, threateningly.

Run, young tree, run, be free!

Fight old oak, protect your trees!

The chainsaws are eating, gluttony..

The trees are dying, shamefully.

Scott

My vision never fades

2005-07-04T03:15:00.000-07:00

I can see you in my heart, I can trace you in my soul.

Destiny has lead me to your arms.

Fate has sundered all we hold.

I will remember all you are.

I will see you in my dreams.

You could put daggers in my eyes.

I would still open them, just to see.

Your reflection, of - beauty.

Scott

Adjusting some of the poems

2005-07-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

I'm correcting and adjusting some of the poems for better flow.. very minor changes, but you will more than likely notice them on rereads.

Thanks a bunch!

Scott

Anew

2005-07-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

Once I stopped to watch the world unfold

Once I took the time to have my story told

I lived in bliss and happiness

I layed in the company of a loving kiss.

Now we've changed, we've grown apart

We'll both be anew, a brand new start

We'll be best friends and care alot

We'll stand by each other a jest this is not

I'll call you when the pain is gone

I hope you'll send your love with open arms

When all is said and all is done

Our memories we shared - will - live - on.

Scott

Taking steps forward

2005-07-02T12:53:00.000-07:00

I've become a better man, I've changed my world.

I'm forever going forward and not looking back.

Everyone around me has carried me forward in their open arms.

Everyone has listened and offered a loving response.

You are the ones who make me, who help mold me true.

You are the ones I love, the ones who carry through.

So RAISE you arms and hurrah! Let it all be heard!

I - have - changed - my - attitude, I - have been welcomed back - to earth!

Scott

Everything is better...

2005-07-02T01:43:00.000-07:00

When all the angels have awoken, they will stare into your eyes
When everything has changed, it will mark the beginning of a new time
We will have become better, the new will guide us through
The division of our unity, its the first steps we must do
So cry not into the ether, fret not what we know is true
When all is said and done, when all the words are gone
We will awaken to a new world and watch the morning dawn.

Scott

Everything without me...

2005-07-01T10:27:00.000-07:00

Well into the night I walked, I could hear the voices clearly.

Silently the darkness expanded, within moments it overtook me.

I was neither in heaven nor in hell, it was my personal prison, the world I dwell.

The key is hidden and guarded with jealousy, the lock is solid with hate to defend it from me.

Can I pick it with my mind, can I salvage anything from this time.

Will it slowly eat me up, will it decay the last vestiges of my soul.

I'm so away from everything, I'm so gone for good..

Scott

Welcome to my soul..

2005-07-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been so far down
Have you ever been kicked around
Have you ever felt like your so, low..

To be hated, to be loved, to be knocked out in the cold.
To be scorned, to be slapped, to know you've grown too old..

Can you tell me how it really feels?
Can you tell me how it really feels?

When your looking in - my - soul..

To be hated, to be loved, to be knocked out in the cold.
To be scorned, to be slapped, to know you've grown too old..

Can it ever really change my life?

Welcome to my soul..

To be wanted, to be held, to be loved, to be told..

Welcome to my soul..

Let me have it all..

Have you ever watched the sun go down, have you ever tried to reach around
and known yer all alone, known your going - home..

Welcome to my soul..

To be hated, to be loved, to be knocked out in the cold.
To be scorned, to be slapped, to know you've grown too old..

Your welcome to it all, welcome to my soul..

Has it started to settle in, has reality surfaced in...

Do you understand whats going on? welcome to my soul..

To be hated, to be loved, to be knocked out in the cold.
To be scorned, to be slapped, to know you've grown too old..

When you look out from deep inside, and the body gives a rocky ride..

Do you know whats going on? can you tell where you went wrong?

Is it haunting you - all night long?

Welcome to my soul..

To be hated, to be loved, to be knocked out in the cold.
To be scorned, to be slapped, to know you've grown too old..

When everything has become a blur and damn jaded.. and no-one is willing
to try to save it..

You don't know where to go, you don't know where to go.. Welcome to my soul.

Welcome to my soul...

Scott

Fallen like an angel...

2005-07-01T02:38:00.000-07:00

Fallen like an angel, I was slumped on the ground..
Took the last step, I was trying to be set free..
I walked on water, I tried to create bread, - for you..
I wasn't the carpenter, - but I could make a miracle or two..
How many times, did I make it right?
How many times, did we really fight?
Did I give in sometimes, to keep it all in sight..

Felt like a miracle, when I was with you..
Felt like I could lead, an army or two..

Fallen like an angel, I'm out of sight..
Took the wrong step, walked in the night..
Fallen like an angel, I'm out of sight..

Fallen like an angel, I was slumped on the ground..
Took a wrong step, now I carry this crown..
Fallen like an angel, I'm out of sight..
Took the wrong step, into the night..
Fallen like an angel, I'm out of sight..

Walked on water, to show you.. I could create, - a miracle or two..
Fallen like an angel, I'm out of sight..
Slumped on the ground, lying in the night..
Fallen like an angel, I'm out of sight..

In the middle of the night, do you wake up.. reach on over and yell, - Scott?
Fallen like an angel, I'm out of sight..
You can find me in an alley, lying in the night..

Fallen like an angel, I'm out of sight..
Slumped on the ground, my crown in sight..
Fallen like an angel, I'm out of sight..
Slumped on the ground, who will notice my plight..

Fallen like an angel, I'm out of sight..
Fallen like an angel, I'm out of sight..
Slumped on the ground, this is the end of my plight..
Slumped on the ground, this is the end of my plight..
Slumped on the ground, this is the end of my plight..

Scott

Beast within us...

2005-07-01T02:10:00.000-07:00

We have a little superstition, it's become a bit of a mission

We can settle on the good things, we can let all the bad ride..

A little santa ria can go a long way, we can dance the voodoo into - the night

Dance the wild beast in us..

Dance it out and free its lust..

Holding on to what we have, free the anger, become mad..

It's ok.. it's why were here. Don't be afraid, grasp the fear..

In this circle we'll be allright..

Dance the wild beast in us..

Dance it out and free the lust..

We'll become one this night..

Hold you close, won't let go..

Kissing back, it's not just show..

I can feel, it'll be allright...

What were you waiting... what were you waiting for...

Did you wan't me, to make the first move...

I know when I should try.. I can be forcefull, thats right..

It's not like you weren't giving plenty of hints..

I know what happened that night.. little birds have taken flight..

Whispering to me all they know..

It's ok, it's allright... I can forgive that night.. I'm a better man than that now..

Dance the wild beast in us..

Dance it out and free the lust..

We can become one this night...

If this is not what you want be rest assured I now know.. all that happened that night..

Dance the wild beast in us..

Dance it out and free the lust..

We'll become one this night..

Scott

Let it go...

2005-07-01T01:53:00.000-07:00

Forget me, let it all go..

Forget me, I'm not worth it all..

Forget me, I was never worth what was paid..

Let it go...

Let it go...

Let it go...

Let it go...

What if I was to try for you?

What if I was to die for you?

Let it go...

Let it go...

Let it go...

Something was spilled but I'm still not sure..

Was it blood or just my tears...

We settled on time..

Let it go...

Let it go...

Let it go...

let it go...

You can't get action...

You've settled on my mind...

Just in time...

Let it go...

Let it go...

Let it go...

You should, follow, where your heart is taking you..

You've settled on the color in yourself...

It's breaking out...

Let it go...

Let it go...

Let it go...

Let it go...

Follow, me to where you wan't to go..

I can lead you by the color in your sight..

It's not far now...

Not far now...

Let it go..

Let it go..

Let it go..

Scott

Abstract Thought

2005-07-01T01:30:00.000-07:00

I'm walking away into a darkness outside
I'm sinking inside, it's a special abyss
I'm wading inside the fire pits...

You mean everything, but it lacks the kiss..

Holding on to thoughts that drift
Singing, singing, singing...

Wild side, virginity, solemn kiss..

I care about so many things..
Plastic, its angles are the same as the darkness of kings..

Visions, like a childrens fairytale brings..

Illusions, its all that remains..

I'm walking away into a darkness
I'm sinking inside, it's a special abyss
I'm wading inside the fire pits...

Holding on tight, the ship is sinking, I won't fall the titanic is
drifting.

When is the right time, what are the wrong words..

Secrets are kept, deep down inside..

Your afraid to tell me things, thinking they'll hurt..

I can never be virgin white again..

I gave it all, I can never be cleaned..

I can never be what I was again..

I can never be what I was again...

I can never be what I was again....

I can never be what I was again.....

Scott

Spurned and Pained

2005-06-30T23:01:00.000-07:00

Many times you tried, I ignored your pleas..
I ignored the signs, I was in ignorant bliss...
I imagined all was fine, I thought you were mine..
I was never so wrong, I became careless in thought..

So, when will I learn, I am the result of love being spurned..
Its always good to hear your voice, its always nice to see your face..
Everytime I turn around, I can see your traces..

I should make better choices, I should learn to be smarter..
Everybody notices how I feel so wrong..
I stumble around like I'm in a drunken throng..
When all it is, is the shame of guilt weighing me down..

So, throw me away.. it's ok.. I know I deserve it..
Tonight I'll feel my redemption when I'm gone..

Will it make things better if I'm missed..
Will it make it easier to read all this..

I run away, it's all I've got.. I run away..
From all the pain, cheating again.. cheating again..

The windows to my soul are now shuttered, the compassion is gone..
The gate to my heart has been locked and walled down..
Will I dream again? will I carry your thoughts, will it make it better
When I'm gone?

Whispering wind, flickering flames, in the stories of old
They will tell of my shames..

Dream again, say my name, I will hear it, say my name..

Scott

Memories of you

2005-06-30T22:49:00.000-07:00

So little time, with so many mistakes..
So many mistakes, with so little brains..
I carry the burden, of my shame...
I haul around guilt, with no one to blame..

I would die many times in my mind, if it meant
I could turn back time...

Say you could love me once more..
Say simple words to make me feel good..
All I need is a taste of your lips..
One more carress of your tenderness...

I would sacrifice my sight to hold you close..
I would bleed my self to let you know..

Tell me the nightmare is nearly over..
Read me a story that makes it all better..
I can be the hero and you can be my prize...
Fairytales can turn to reality if we both try..

Say you want me, say you care...
I can be there in the end.. We can share that special moment..
once again.

All of this, all I have could be yours...
Everything I say is of the purest words..
I want to know your love, take it easy on my soul..
Know that we can be in love, I'd like to try to love..

Lately, all I see, in everything, is pictures of you...
Everytime I see dark hair I think its you..

Take it easy on my soul, let me love you once more..
I need to love you, to save my self...

Scott

The Remembering

2005-06-30T22:38:00.000-07:00

I have a picture, it reminds me of you...

In the dark with candles - I remember, all, the things you do.

The simplest kindness, was always from you
The love that you shared in the beginning, was true.

How could I have fallen from you?
When did it decay into something rude..

I feel like were hiding, from the truth..
Can you, feel it, deep inside of you?

Oh, no, so, go.. run away from it all..
Oh, no, so, go.. 5 years gone with a drop..

I can see the first day we met..
I can hear the words we said..

Your skin shining in the moonlight..
You hair was short, shiny and bright..

The first time I saw you, I said I would love you..
Just like a dream, my vision came true..

Oh, no, so, go.. run away from it all..
Oh, no, so, go.. did it mean anything at all?

I whispered kindness from my soul to you..
You tricked me in the car it's true...

The first kiss came with me kindly asking..
Too afraid to make the first move..

I sacrificed my life to love you..
A bit of my soul still hangs around you..

Oh, no, so, go.. run away from it all..
Oh, no, so, go.. when did your grace fall..

Night after night, I slept next to you..
I watched you breath while you were sleeping.
Afraid you would stop, and I'd lose you..

I prayed to myself, I felt so lucky..
The stress of life pushed me from you..
Alone, here, writing, I remember it all..
Quietly, typing, I feel, - my - tears - fall...

The simplest kindness, was always from you
The love that you shared in the beginning, was true.

Scott

Question for everyone out there...

2005-06-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

What is it about this blog that keeps you coming back to read it? I could better the content if I knew what it was everyone enjoys.. please, if you have any suggestions.... kick em up the food chain to me..

Scott

Your imagination

2005-06-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

Look out behind you
I can't be trusted

Look out behind you
I'm the shadow in the dark

I can hear all the things you say
I can watch all the moves you make

Look out behind you
Was that sound my fleeting footsteps

Look out behind you
Was the rustle in the trees a sign of my distress

When everything is said and done
You will still remember the way I look

When everything is said and done
You will have forgotten where to look

It's ok, I'm not really there
It's just your imagination, wishing for me here

When all is said and done, when we are far apart, you will have remembered what it was that set me apart..

Scott

Not sure what to do now

2005-06-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

Have you ever taken a second chance

Have you ever taken a second glance

Has life ever struck you down

Has your world ever gone upside down

Has everything been taken and thrown away

Has the words from your mouth refused to come out

Don't know what I should do now

Don't know when the words will come out

Have yet decided what to do

Not sure I want to choose

If the pieces would only come together

If the puzzle could only solve itself

In a world where all things are equal

I am not

Why does life take these shots

When will my target be all used up

In a place where pain and misery exist

I am stuck there, locked in

I just want to find my way

Through the murky darkness of my soul

If I could just move on

I think I could save myself

Don't know what I should do now

Don't know where to send myself

If the map exists to harmony

I've probable already left it behind me

Scott

61 posts to my blog in 2 weeks

2005-06-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

I just realized something.. I have posted 61 posts to my blog in 2 weeks since I started it.. wow, thats all I can say.. thats not even couting the few I removed.. which would more than likely bring it to 66-67...

What can I say.. my mind runs a mile a minute and I'm always behind struggling to catch up..

Scott

My own space

2005-06-30T08:09:00.000-07:00

When my mind broke down
nearly lost it all
nearly made mistakes

And I can't have a remake
It was all nearly lost
It was from something I caused

The pain was too great
I nearly made the mistake
Almost chose the wrong out
Instead I walked away

I'm glad - I - was saved that day
I chose, to make it this way
Nothing is worse, than making that wreck - than choosing that death

So many people - depend on me
So many souls, would be lost at sea

If I chose - to make that mistake
If I chose - to take it that day

I feel torn up and a little afraid
I'm not sure what my future will take
I'm a little scared and a little dismayed
But it's part of the - choices I made

I wanna run away - I can't take it anymore
I just wanna run away - I don't want to take it anymore

I want to find my happy place
I want to know my own space

I need to drive away
I want to speed through space
I don't want to look this way
I just need some space

Scott

You will notice

2005-06-30T07:48:00.000-07:00

I'm in a bit of a song writing mood today, so I'm throwing these out as I write them.. I may chuck a few more up tonight..

If I only had a dime for every word I write.. sigh.. lol

Scott

Always a show

2005-06-30T07:46:00.000-07:00

Here we go, it's not right, it's always a show..

I'm the one, the bad guy, in the know
I know things, lots of things, about you now - about you now

I've spent my life, thinking of you
I've spent my time, being a part of you
I've gone insane, playing your game

Taken chances, I've made mistakes
It's about learning, each other - with the one you love
It's about yearning, when your not there
It's about kisses, lots of kisses, mini kisses, fat kisses

It's not over, untill it's over
It's a big mistake
I'm sorry, your sorry, were sorry

When we first met, I knew then, you were it
I'll always love you

Shared your hopes, shared your dreams, we shared the pain - of a passing
You shared my grief, you shared pains, you shared my love, we played the
game

We went places, we saw memories, we shared our time - under the sea
Will you remember, all the good things, all the moments when you were with me

Here we go, its not right, its always a show...

Scott

Remembering me

2005-06-30T07:26:00.000-07:00

I'm still thinking of you

I'm still waiting for the chance to...

You still thinking of me

It's obvious in the words you say to me, its true.

You make little mistakes

Like saying things you really want to

I hear the words when you talk

At the end when were done, you slip when you say

Sweetheart I love you

I know its what you mean, but you dont want to

I still love you

I know you feel the same, but you cant bring yourself to

Take another chance

Was it really so bad? did I really hurt you

I'm still thinking of you

I'm still waiting for another chance to, make it up to you

Your still still thinking of me

It's obvious when you talk to me, you make mistakes

Say little things you mean to

It's obvious when you say those things to me

When you think you think of me, does it make you feel sad to say

He's not here anymore, he's not next to me,

When you wake up, and look up, when you turn your head and see

I'm not there, i'm so far away, i'm in a different place

I know, you know, we still love each other the same way

Its obvious in the mistakes

I know you, you know me, we know we were both meant to be..

I'm still thinking of you

I'm still waiting for the chance to...

You still thinking of me

It's obvious in the words you say to me, its true.

You make little mistakes

like saying things you really want to

Scott

Keep in mind people..

2005-06-29T08:47:00.000-07:00

Hmm.. thought I should throw this out just in case.. The stories, songs, and poems that I write are just all that and nothing more.. I am not sitting at home crying my eyes out.. I am not contemplating suicide (haven't done that for quite some time now at least...lol) and I am not a psychopath or deranged lunatic.. I just seem to have a penchant for writing dark things.. dunno why.. it's not like I stomp around the world wearing black everyday and doing drugs.. (I don't do drugs) hmmm.. however I do wear black.. it's part of my work uniform as a tech..

So in the end.. don't think you've stumbled on the blog of the next great serial killer.. thats not the way it is.. I just write the stuff.. I don't live it..

Scott

Simple Song

2005-06-28T23:39:00.000-07:00

Don't let go

Stay with me

your the one I need

Make the difficult choices

Kill my heart

Always keep me close

If only I could offer

If only you could care

Don't let go

You were always so kind
You can still save me this time

If only you could see through my eyes

If only you could feel through my heart

I could only tell you the simple things

Take me, I need your hand

Take this, to pull me out

Take from me, a lesson in love

I'll take away, beautiful memories from the start

So solemly swear to me, I can do the same for you

Always giving of yourself and keeping me close

Scott

I will forgive you when

2005-06-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

I will forgive you when, you split in two and kill yourself...

I will forgive you when, you cry on your own shoulder and tell yourself how you had no idea this was going on.

I will forgive you when, your left homeless and sleeping on a couch when all your possessions are so far from you with no way of taking them.

I will forgive you when, you cry every night for a month and a half, leaving only blood to replace your tears.

I will forgive you when, you sit on an overpass for an hour contemplating suicide.

I will forgive you when, you smoke pot to save yourself from commiting a grievious act against your better judgement.

I will forgive you when, you feel empty and devoid of the one person you love more than anyone else in this world or the next....

Only then will I forgive you...

Scott

Scavenger

2005-06-28T08:21:00.000-07:00

You picked through the remains of my relationship

A carnivore you waited patiently and allowed everything to fall apart

You planted seeds within the ground to break the foundation from under me

When the moment was right you made your move, always knowing when to strike

Yours was the first move, taken and reciprocated when I had my back turned

I stood no chance from such a distance, the attack was quick and without mercy

You cried over my corpse and wished you could change the world for me

Then laughed without remorse when confronted by the innocence of a child

When all is left is my memory, will you look back and say "He was there when I needed him, he was my brother"

I will never be able to turn my back again, you have destroyed the trust in me

Scott

2005-06-28T00:05:00.000-07:00

When all I have is your memory on rice paper.
When it begins to rain and I have no where left to go.
Will my last memory be reduced to liquid flowing from my hand?
Can nothing conserve this fragile moment of my life?
Have I angered the Gods to the point of my own distress?
I'm sure I could remember the message if I had eyes.

Scott

Turning pit of darkness in my stomach

2005-06-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

It twists my insides as if they were nothing more than carnival taffy.
It has become a dark forboding pit of sorrow and angst.
Deep within there are tears from too many days alone.
The cure lies with simple words that no one is willing to say.
Have I earned a reprieve from this agony?
Have I at least earned a small amount of pity from your twisted gaze?
Will anyone pull the dagger from my soul?
Is time all I have left to keep me company with myself?
I am alone in this well with no finger nails left to climb out with.
I will die here, and you will have witnessed the sadest story ever told.

Scott

The Beauty of Hate

2005-06-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you hated anyone? When was the first time you hated anyone? Can anyone really remember that far back? I can remember the last time.. because its pretty damn recent to be honest.. But, as hard as I try.. I cannot bring myself to remember the first time..

What purpose does hate fill in our lives? I mean, really.. does it help us or hurt us to hate? Hmmm.. I thought about it for a bit this morning.. I contemplated the pro's and con's of what this emotion brings or takes from us.. I've come up with a few conclusions..

Conclusion #1 : Hate is a neccessary part of our being.. it gives us drive to do things we would otherwise not do for ourselves. (I.E. Get a better job.. Leave an abusive relationship.. move from our parents..etc..etc..)

Conclusion #2: Hate helps us feel better emotionally.. it gives us an out for the expression of pent up or repressed feelings.. it allows us to throwup these visions within our mind and carry out virtual actions that hopefully we leave there.. within our mind and not carry out into the "Real" world..

Conclusion #3: It creates creativity within us.. with hate we can create things, we can explore new mediums for our self expression.. we can build thoughts into physical manifestations of our target...

Conclusion #4: Hate spurs us to do things contrary to our wishes... with hate we sometimes carry out actions we know are negative and without merit to ourselves or society.. look in our prison system for the effects of this one.

Conclusion #5: Hate is sometimes the product of despair.. and for all I can possibly think of.. even with the creativy despair brings.. I do not agree that despair is a good thing on any level..

I'm sure there are many more beneficial as well as negative conclusions that can be brought up.. but.. that requires some solitude, some nice hot green tea.. and a wonderful windy day on top of a hill overlooking the city...(Something I don't have the luxury of at this moment..)

Scott

Humorous morning

2005-06-27T10:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever misread a schedule? have you ever looked at the wrong line and showed up 3 and a half hours early for work? no? Well, consider yourself the smart and lucky one.. because, apparently, I have no idea how to read a schedule.. apparently, I am the dumbass that shows up either too early or too late depending on the day and just how retarded I am at the moment I read the schedule.. I seriously need to learn to read.. because this winging it just isn't working..

Scott

Sleeping Angel

2005-06-26T15:34:00.000-07:00

Well into the night I watched you sleep.

You lay like an angel waiting for the morning to spread your wings.

I contemplated holding you forever so as to capture your innocence.

I toyed with thoughts of placing mini kisses upon your lips.

Instead I slowly ran my fingers through your hair.

You smiled in reponse to my gentle touches.

I conceded my presence to the mornings rays.

I still think about those moments there.

I smile when I remember all we shared.

Scott

Within my mind

2005-06-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

Within my mind

Sordid memories, dirty dreams.

Ancient feelings, awakening.

Visions fighting, to come free.

My soul is fighting, hurting me.

Constrain my fears, let them be.

Repress my emotions, cry a sea.

How many tears, hold them back.

Broken voice, the wall has cracked.

Scott

Bleh.. having a hell of a time formatting in this blog.

2005-06-25T12:18:00.000-07:00

If my stories seem a bit whacked in the formatting (not like my stories aren't whacked anyways) it's because this blog type engine likes to nut kick me with it's assinine formatting, or lack thereof...

Scott

Bad decisions; Part 1

2005-06-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

He stood in the hallway, it was dark and confined, the walls barely
seperated by 2 feet on either side, had no one known any better they would have thought this was the inside of a submarine. The knife was spinning in the palm of his hand, the blade was pointing down into his palm and he proceeded to idly give it a quick twist causing it to rotate rapidly off the point. Small drops of blood were falling to the floor, he couldn't even feel the pain of the point in his palm, his thoughts were elsewhere, he was thinking of his next victim.

The man was just leaving from the gym, he had been there all night, he was determined to lose this weight and even more so to get his general health into a better condition. He looked around the corner of the building before proceeding, he had seen a man standing near the trash cans for
several nights now, always staring at him from the shadows, he couldn't really tell what he looked like, he was always just in the shadow, but he knew he was staring at him, watching him, for what, he had no idea, fortunately he was not there tonight so he would be able to get to his car in the parking structure just on the other side of the alley without having to worry about some freak in the dark.

The room was made of metal, small and large pipes running in all directions across the walls and ceiling. There were rust spots and peeling paint everywhere, the walls were painted grey from the waist up and red from the waist down. There were chains and small tables lined against the
walls, blood spatters and pieces of flesh everywhere, nothing large, just small square pieces of flesh littering the floor, it looked like a butcher had been preparing meat for a stew and just let whatever fall to the floor lie there.

He was almost home, he needed to stop at the grocery store though, he was out of the basics of life, milk, eggs, and bread. He parked his car in the light under a lamp post, just as he got out the light made a pop sound and died. The dark was foreboding, he really wished this parking lot had more than one light that worked in it.. unfortunately that light was all the way across the parking lot away from the store, it was too late and he didn't want to repark now, besides if he did he knew he'd have to walk through the dark anyways to get to the store.

His eyes were glassy as he stared at the pudgy man getting out of his car, his knife was spinning in his hand while he set the pellet rifle down with his other hand. He had followed the man from the gym, he always followed the man, it had been weeks of observation, and the last few days he had finally come up with a plan to abduct him.. every few days he stopped at this grocery store on the way home, and everytime he watched him buy the same things.. milk, eggs, and bread.. it never changed.. and neither did his lust for this mans flesh.. he waited for the man to come and park under the same light he always did, just as he started to open the door he shot the light out.. this would leave the man in the dark and make it easy for him to sneak up from behind.. he smiled and showed his teeth, filed down into sharp points, his face barely visible now, he had blue tattoos all over his face and big holes in his ears, the lobes dangled aimlessly, flipping around in all directions, the cartilidge in the ears had long ago given up the fight to keep the ears taught and uniform.

He looked around in the dark, he couldn't see anyone, it looked safe.. "Ok, now is the time to go." he thought to himself.. he exited the vehicle and turned to close the door, as he fumbled with his key in the door he heard it... a slight scraping sound of shoes on the pavement behind him,
then it went dark in a flash of light....

"This one's nice and fat" his abductor said as he wailed him in the head with a blackjack from behind. The man slumped to the ground, only after smacking his head against the windshield, making it that much easier on his abductor to knock him out.. there was a muted chuckle as he finally slumped to the ground in a heap of ready meat.

"Wake up fatass" he said as he kicked the shackled man in the groin.. "uhhgg.." was the response from the slightly obese man in his late 30's, his head was bleeding and bruised from both sides... his head was pounding, it felt like a bag of potato chips crushed under a semi.. oh god the pain was so intense.. he couldn't stop focusing on the pain, then it hit him.. where the hell was he? what the hell happened? "ohh god, what the hell is going on?" he near shouted it out loud before trying to raise his hands to cup his mouth.. then he realized, his hands were bound to his sides with chains.. he sat there stunned and in awe.. "What the hell is happening to me?" were his last thoughts before he blacked out..

He had been smiling the entire time, his miss shapen teeth glaring into the open. He could barely contain his joy when the man woke up and started to realize he was chained to the floor. His eyes were glassy again and his cheeks were in a permanent smile the whole time, he was in a state of euphoria, his target was in his shoppe and he could now do what he felt needed to be done.

Within these hallowed halls..

2005-06-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

Within these hallowed halls.

Inside the temple of my heart.

Near the point of dereliction.

I am in wonder.

I wonder about all I see.

Is there more to this?

Does anyone have anymore?

Am I here for a purpose?

Is there a purpose for me?

Are these thoughts destructive?

Have they begun to destroy me?

Will it ever really matter?

What matters most to me?

Within these hallowed halls.

Inside the temple of my heart.

The bricks are being torn down.

Piece by piece, part by part.

Scott

Someone explain this to me..

2005-06-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

For the past couple of weeks, I've been driving by a Korean Christian church on my way to the freeway. Everytime I pass it I see in big and bold letters, prominently displayed on the side of the longest wall to the church, this saying..

" Believe in the Lord and you shall be saved, you and your household.. "

Now, someone correct me if I'm wrong.. but, that statement is much like a warranty to me.. What it says to me is that ANYONE in the house can believe in GOD and the rest within the home will be saved? is that right? did I just find my ticket to redemption? is this the yellow brick road to heaven as the Christians would have us believe?

So, all I need to do is find someone to move into my pad with me just before I die.. as long as they believe in GOD, I'm good to go? This fuckin rocks! I am finally so IN!

I have to leave now.. I need to find a GOD fearin' and believing roomate to help save myself.. ohh, and I need to pack my bags with some clean underwear, because I'm sure GOD doesn't like racing stripes in Heaven..

Scott